Issues of the Heart – nickmullis.com

January 8, 2023

The Long and Winding Break: Time for a Sabbatical!

Twenty-one years ago, I returned to Lawrence County after being away at college, unsure of what was next. I found myself in youth ministry, something I never expected to be doing. Ten years ago I founded Between the Crowd, a new ministry for the adolescents of my home county.

Through the years, thousands of students have passed through our programs. Some students are still struggling in life. Some are knocking it out of the park, and several are actually leading ministries of their own now.

Suicides were prevented… Addictions were challenged… New life was offered… A lot of students said yes to Jesus and some are still searching.

In the past twenty-one years, I have done my best to build a brighter tomorrow. I have spent myself to borrow from Sir Winston Churchill, in blood, toil, tears, and sweat. I have broken bones. I have had sleepless nights. I have sat in restaurants into the early hours listening to teenagers weep, and answered my phone in the middle of the night. On more than one occasion, I stood at the edge of burnout. In all this, Jesus has held me up and helped me focus on the task at hand, reaching young people with the gospel of Jesus.

To be honest, amid success, I have had my moments of failure. Students have needed me to show up, and I didn’t. Some needed a listening ear, and I talked over them. Others needed sympathy, and I offered judgement. In all cases, I hope people can see Jesus despite me. I am a flawed, growing human being who is trying to be better today than I was yesterday. It requires a lot of grace from Jesus and patience with myself and from the surrounding humanity.

All that said… It is time for a break, a long break! This summer, 2023, I am taking a sabbatical. There is Biblical precedent for this journey. Every seven years, the people of Israel were to rest and let the land rest. I’m going to take a rest and do some things that fill my soul and go on a couple of spiritual pilgrimages. That means I am trekking all over Europe. I want to visit the places C. S. Lewis taught, wrote, and sat. I want to walk where John Wesley walked. I want to kneel and pray where the Moravians launched a 100 year prayer meeting; then cry in the places where St. Francis of Assisi wept. I want to walk for days to let it all settle in my heart and mind. There is a lot of fun spread out in there as well. My aim is to give myself space to rest and recover from twenty-one years of an amazing rollercoaster—ministry.

I want to invite you into this process. Between the Crowd gives me a stipend and I will put my money into the adventure. I want to invite you to join me in making this adventure happen. I have set a goal for $5,000 raised. I consider anything above that goal a donation to Between the Crowd. If you can’t give, please take a minute and pray for me as I refresh and pray for Between the Crowd as we prepare for the next ten years.

Thank you in advance for whatever you choose to do! I am grateful for every student, parent, and volunteer that has crossed my path in the last twenty-one years.

This is the link to my Go Fund Me account:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/its-time-for-a-sabbatical?qid=9c9124c15d07af0dafedc1e801ad4ad8

April 30, 2021

Freedom From Their Emotional Baggage!

How do you let go when someone has dumped their emotional mess in your lap?

I’m not convinced I am better at disconnecting than anyone else, but if someone

else has noticed, maybe I am better than average. In 20 years of ministry, I haven’t always been good at it. I have struggled with sleep and lost my appetite because I was wrestling with someone else’s problem.

I’m not sure that grappling with someone else’s struggle is the problem—after all, prayer is interceding for another person. The problem arises when we internalize another’s brokenness, and then it becomes our own.

The great predicament with internalizing another’s hurt is our incomplete perspective. We see a snippet of the burden of their life. We fill in the gaps for our friend based on the five minute or five hours they gave us in conversation. Minutes or hours is nothing compared to living with an affliction all day every day—so we decide what they must think or feel. We are not privileged to decide what other people think.

When you onboard someone else’s baggage, here are some things that are worth recognizing and practicing.

1. Admit, “I am not God nor should I try pretending to be.”

This seems obvious, yet it is the struggle of humanity since the beginning of time. If we aren’t trying to shape God in our own image, we are attempting just to be him. Years ago, I had to realize that I couldn’t fix people. I could hear them out. I could be present in a particular moment. Sometimes I could even offer some advice, but I could never fix the brokenness. A wounded heart is beyond our ability to heal, the best we can do is point to a loving God and allow Him to do a wonderful work in the lives of our loved ones.

2. Journal

We all started this practice in elementary school. In January of my fourth-grade year, I wrote about Desert Storm. It allowed me a space to process my emotional state without internalizing the angst or stress I felt as a little kid hearing about war and not understanding what it meant. It’s a discipline I have continued, in fits and starts, over the years. My journal is now more a place I go to pray or clear out the mental cobwebs so to think more clearly, and it provides space to get unhealthy thoughts out before they become lodged in my psyche.

3. Realize some don’t want to be fixed they want to be heard.

Sometimes in life when I was struggling, I just wanted to speak the issue out loud. I struggled to find a space where I thought I could, because everyone I knew wanted to fix things. There are times people want to be heard—not fixed. All you can do is ask. If they simply want to be heard, honor the desire, listen and move on. If you genuinely listen in those circumstances, you have done your part and you can sleep that night.

4. Recognize, “I can’t carry a burden that isn’t my own.”

As I said above, I can’t understand every facet of another person’s affliction, and so I can’t allow it to become mine. When we do onboard baggage, we marry it to our own thoughts and perspectives, creating an entirely new dilemma that exists nowhere but in our minds. That isn’t helpful to the other person or yourself. Seneca once said, “We suffer more in imagination than in reality.”

5. Pain and difficulty are not always bad things, it is good to struggle.

In our culture, we have become convinced that pain is an evil. It is not. Look at nature, she tells us that pain isn’t an evil but is, sometimes, a great good. If I want to become stronger than I must endure the pain of sore muscles. A person suffering from leprosy will tell you, “they wish they felt pain.” Study and learning fatigue our minds, and in that mental exhaustion we form new synapses. During childhood I was all over the place emotionally, as most of us are. From the struggle with emotions, I learned how to sort through feelings and understand what a healthy response is. In our striving we don’t need people to take on our problem, we need cheerleaders that have walked their own road of pain and know we can survive. I don’t need them to take the pain from me I need friends to remind me I can make it.

6. I train people not to lean only on me from the beginning.

Many will think this cold, but it’s the job of any adult in a young person’s life. I tell students from day one, “there will come a time you will forget me.” If I have played my role well, I have taught young people how to think, how to make decisions, and how to better the world through love and service. Occasionally over 20 year’s students come back around and we become close friends, but that’s not the point or the object. 2,000+ students passed through programs I led, there are a couple of dozen I still talk to regularly, I have no sense of failure. I did something right because they were all seeking advice as teenagers. When they come back around as an adult it’s because they want me to share in a significant celebration (marriage, birth of a child) or their life has gone off the rails and they need help to find the reset button.

7. Make the decision that their problems can’t become yours.

This feels simplistic and on the verge of insulting, but it’s a basic truth. You decide you will not allow someone else’s problem to become yours. It is a loving action. If I allow others’ problems to become mine, then I become burned out and tired and become unhelpful to anybody.

The greatest gift we can offer someone that’s dragging too much baggage around is to love them where they are, pray for them, and point them to Jesus who can help unload their burdens.

February 8, 2021

A Time I said, “No”

“I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”

– Lucille Ball

Before I begin I feel like there needs to be a caveat to Mrs. Ball’s words… I agree with her until it comes to questions of moral rectitude, one must not violate what they know to be right or wrong simply for the sake of experience. Yes, experience is a teacher, but she is a teacher that doesn’t care whether you live or die. Wisdom steps in and allows us to learn from those who have gone before if we will allow it, and from there we can launch into the deepest life we are capable of living. In the realm of the amoral, have fun!

It was late summer; the weather was hot and muggy, even by midwestern standards. Three friends and I hit the road to a hidden gem in the hills of Tennessee. It’s a moderate sized state park that is home to some beautiful waterfalls. It’s not just the water that strikes you either—the deciduous forest that fills the area gives you a feeling of closeness, much like I would guess Fangorn Forest gave to The Fellowship of the Ring (without the intimidation).

For us, the heat made our journey sweeter; we were in search of swimming holes.

On a previous trip to the same park, another friend and I had discovered a perfect and hidden hole. We had been following a stream bed and missed the entrance to the trail. We were running short on energy and water when we stumbled upon our little oasis. My friend jumped in first without hesitation, discovering it was deeper than we had realized. Our best guess, we were staring down at a pool that was nearly twelve feet deep during a dry season and the depth meant cooler waters. A couple of hours swimming fully rejuvenated us, and we were ready to find our way back to the missed trail. I hoped someday I might return to this secret place.

Now, on this blistering humid day, I had returned, and I was hoping I could lead my friends back. I had a rough idea where we to head, but as we lept from one boulder to another, and feet became miles I started to wonder… This is a living earth and things change, more often than we notice. I climbed one last boulder and was ready to call it quits and turn around. Looking down, I could see the flat limestone stream bed that surrounded the chasm. It was still a couple of hundred yards away, but I knew it was worth the effort.

We scrambled over the remaining boulders and stopped on the shelf that stood five or six feet above the surface of the water. My friends looked at me, the question etched across their faces, “it’s hot, is it deep enough to jump in?” “Go for it. I can jump in feet first and not hit the bottom,” I said. They dropped their packs, tossed their shirts, and one by one dove in. They were obviously enjoying the cool water when they looked up at me still standing above them. They asked, “Are you going to get in?” I said, “no” then walked over to a large rock in the shade and sat down.

Anyone who knows me and has traveled with me will tell you I have a point of tiredness that causes me to isolate and be a jerk—I’m not proud of it, and every time I travel I stave off the beast a bit better.

As I starred down at the water, I hit that wall, but I was boiling enough in the heat of the day that I could have overcome. A sense of self-consciousness also struck me between the eyes. I am athletic, though I am not an athlete; I lack the killer competitive instinct to be an athlete. My friends however are athletes and they were all a couple of months removed from a spring sports season and had already started prepping for fall. I had done nothing since winter, and in my mind’s eye that difference was apparent.

My emotional wall and disdain for my physical appearance combined to create the “no” that exited my lips. There have been a lot of moments in my life when I have said, “no.” Many of them good, some of them born out of frustration. This one though is among the few that still gnaws at me. It was still an amazing trip, and I got to give my friends an amazing memory, but there in lies the problem, I didn’t share the memory with them. I was there, but not really present. It was a no that came from a selfish place, and it robbed my friends and me of memories we could have shared.

I have forgiven myself repeatedly for that day and my friends don’t even remember it happening (I asked), but I still think back on that day and want to return and jump in with them and build the memories that should already exist.

Learning to say “no” is a substantial gift, but make sure it is a gift you wield well. Don’t let foolishness rob you of life.

November 25, 2020November 25, 2020

An Awkward Thanksgiving… Wednesday

Tonight is our last sleep before Thanksgiving. Today I don’t want to spend a lot of time on my words. There is a Psalm that I read at the summit of the mountains I climb and now and again when I just need reminded of how good I really have it. I invite you to sit down in a comfortable spot. Take a few deep breaths and read these words over and over until it feels like you are breathing them. Then sit for a while and be.

A Thanksgiving Psalm

100

1-2 On your feet now—applaud God!
Bring a gift of laughter,
sing yourselves into his presence.

3 Know this: God is God, and God, God.
He made us; we didn’t make him.
We’re his people, his well-tended sheep.

4 Enter with the password: “Thank you!”
Make yourselves at home, talking praise.
Thank him. Worship him.

5 For God is sheer beauty,
all-generous in love,
loyal always and ever.

Rest well in the goodness of God!

November 20, 2020November 20, 2020

The Questions You Asked Series… Q6

This question is part of a series, The Questions You Ask. I mean the responses to be short. If there is something you would like me to go more in depth on, please let me know.

How can somebody overcome crippling loneliness, despite having plenty of friends?

I saved this question for last, because it is the hardest to answer briefly and maybe the most important question asked during this season in human history. I got input from friends in the world of counseling.

First, we need to garner some understanding of where this pain comes from. There are multiple roots, but here are some questions to consider in self-examination.

Are you battling anxiety or depression?
Have you faced a trauma you have shoved down and leaves you feeling disassociated from loved ones?
Do you have friends you feel you can be gut level honest with?
Do you see yourself as someone worth knowing?

How do we respond to this pain? You may need to find some professional help, especially in the first two cases (I can point you in the right direction if you need to talk to someone). Beyond that, feelings of isolation and loneliness come from a negative place. God made us to live in a community. You need to change the story you are telling yourself. Start speaking and writing the things you are thankful for, look for ways to serve other people. Look at your thought patterns, are you living in the negative how can you interrupt that flow of self-talk. Lean more into developing a relationship with God who provides the highest value for you.

I went a little over the word count, but it needed to happen. I end with this quote from Mother Teresa, “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”

November 17, 2020

The Questions You Asked Series… Q2.

This question is part of a series, The Questions You Ask. I mean the responses to be short. If there is something you would like me to go more in depth on, please let me know.

“What has been the most interesting question you have had asked of you?”

I get asked questions all the time. I love questions, especially when they are honest questions that come from a place of garnering wisdom and understanding. One of the harder questions and, ultimately, interesting questions I have ever been asked is, “Why are you a Christian?” They asked me, then told me I had to respond in three sentences. The word limit made it difficult, but upped the ante on how interesting it was as a question.

This was my response, though not personal, and it rings a bit cold. It is true and a starting point for deeper discussions elsewhere.

“To an honest observer, there is a substantial energy that moves our universe. The testimony of other observers and personal encounters leads me to believe that energy desires goodness. In Christian faith I find a name for that goodness and we define it in a clear fashion that intersects with the testimony of the other observers and myself—offering hope for yesterday, today, and tomorrow.”

Not the greatest or most profound response, I know. By way of compliment, my friend said, “Seemed C. S. Lewis like.” I’ve been called worse than C. S. Lewis like.

November 17, 2020November 17, 2020

The Questions You Asked Series… Q1.

“How has God impacted your life today?”

This is a great question for me to wrestle with at this moment. I am currently a few days into a quarantine. Since I live alone and don’t have any pets, things can be pretty quiet in my world. It would be easy to just stay in bed and sleep through the remaining days of isolation, but I have chosen to get up and face each day and learn what I can learn. After all, there is a lot to read and a lot to write. Living inside also limits my ability to wax poetic about the wonders of nature or the spectacle of the stars.

I am reminded of a quote by Henry David Thoreau, “You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”

Though my days are contained inside my house, at the moment, I am learning to be present. I am learning to find the joy of the mundane. In each moment I am learning to see the signature of God and who He is teaching me to be.

In short, God has impacted my life today by showing me grace, mercy, and love. He has reminded me of places I need to learn and lean into him. Today I am a better man than I was yesterday and tomorrow I hope that is also true.

May 4, 2020

Afraid to Fear Less

When I was a boy I was scared of the dark, in some ways I still am. I had an active imagination and lived in a house that was built during the Civil War and my room was one oldest rooms and I was not as tidy as I am now. I was also not a kid that ran to my parents when I got scared. I dealt with the fear in my own way. If I would wake up and find myself paralyzed by fear, I sang to myself. There was a chorus to a hymn that would ring in my head when in the moments of terror. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there’s just something about that name. Kings and kingdoms will all pass away, but there’s something about that name.” The number of times I would sing it through was in direct proportion of how scared I was. Given enough time and enough play throughs of those lines and I would eventually fall back to sleep.

In the course of my life I would learn there are worse things than the dark, and I am grateful that I have not had to experience much worse that those nights of trauma decades ago. On some level, fear plays a role in all our lives. During this pandemic, fear has seized our world. People fear sickness, and even more they fear the potential of death that sickness brings. Some use fear trying to control behavior, which works for a while, but people become exhausted by fear mongering and stop paying attention, except for some that struggle with anxiety. There are longer term, healthier ways to motivate people to action, like honesty and love, but that is for another day. Fear is a reality for all of us, from the brave to the coward, but it doesn’t have to rule our lives. It can serve its purpose and we can grow because of it.

What is fear?

Fear is a powerful emotion stirred by a sense of danger. Being scared triggers the fight-or-flight instinct, this impulse is fear. It releases a chemical called adrenaline into our bodies and it floods the hypothalamus and amygdala (the impulse part of our brain). Our sense heighten, our heart races, muscles tighten and our body prepares for action. (For more detail on what happens in your body during the fear response visit link 1 at the bottom.)

The Sources of Fear

What we fear differs from person-to-person. As a child I feared the dark, as an adult the things I fear are more ideas and concepts, creations in my mind. There are certain prayers I fear praying because of what it might mean. I have friends that are terrified of snakes, water, or a particular person. Everyone has something that at the least makes them feel uneasy. Jerry Seinfeld once joked, “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

As varied as our fears are they can be boiled down to two primary sources.

The unknown and a lack of Control.

We don’t know what is around the corner, and our heart races. We see a shadow through our window and will call the police to come check our house. Not knowing causes the tense physiological changes associated with fear.

Lack of control with things like the Coronavirus Pandemic… I can’t do anything about how other people are responding, my blood-pressure rises because of the anxiety of people not following the stay-at-home guidance.

Fear isn’t bad; sustained fear is…

Fear in a moment can be a good thing. Fears heightened awareness can help you avoid the car accident in front of you. It stops you from grabbing the venomous snake when you’re out for a hike. Momentary fear protects from walking down the dark alley when you’re out too late.

Sustained fear, also known as anxiety, is destructive. This state of being leave your body in that hyperaware mode. It’s hard on your heart and your emotional wellbeing. Prolonged fear can lead to damage to your body. Headaches, dizziness, and depression are some neurological results. Increased blood pressure, heart palpitation, chest pain, digestive issues, and a suppressed immune system are byproducts of a perpetual state of fear or anxiety. (Visit link 2 for more on fears effects.)

How do we respond to fear?

As fear has kind of run the world for the past few months we there have been some great quotes surfacing from various places. One of those came from Mark Twain, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” There is so much in fear that we can’t control and if we let it, those unknowns overwhelm us. Here are a few ways you can battle the fear and keep it from turning to anxiety.

Be thankful. It may seem trite, but there is truth to it. When we express gratitude we come down from our fear pedestal and start focusing on what is there instead of what may or may not be in our future. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
Share your burden. We are rarely if ever alone in our fear. Some people in the world are better equipped to respond to the burden. Share it because we should not wrestle alone. “Bear one another’s burdens and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

Accept what you can’t change. Easier said than done… Write it down, say it out loud, “This is beyond my control, I can do nothing with it so I won’t carry this burden.” “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Psalm 118:6
Hand over control. Much like acceptance, stop trying to control the situation. You need to hand it over to someone that can respond to it. If it’s beyond your grasp of ability, let someone else step in on your behalf. “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
Look to a constant. This is the hardest because our world is in constant flux. There is one who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He loves you and wants you to lean in with your fear. Jesus is big enough and strong enough to carry your burden. “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Fear gets to us all at some point, but it doesn’t have to win. My hope for us all is that tomorrow we fear less.

1. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/what-happens-brain-feel-fear-180966992/

2. https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/effects-on-body#6

October 3, 2019October 3, 2019

What makes a “house” a “home”?

I’ve lived in three houses in my life. From birth to late age five we lived on “H” street in town. Then we moved to the farm out on Highway 58. Finally, at age 26 I bought and moved into my small house back in town on 17^th street. With the exception of a couple of years in college before I became a commuter my entire life has been lived with those locations as home base.

It’s an interesting question, what makes a house a home? I have thought of each place as home for differing reasons. When I reflect on them they are all still home in a way. I’m not sure home is so much about a location as much as where I allow my heart to settle and the people with which I share the place.

In 2008 I was invited to take part in a conference in South Africa. There were some moments leading up to the trip that still leave me shaking my head. I spent a month misreading my itinerary and missed my original flight. When I got home after realizing I had the wrong departure date I discovered my house had been robbed. The next morning on my way to catch my new flight we stopped by the bank for me to grab some money and I left my debit card in the ATM and didn’t realize it until I was sitting at Dulles airport in Washington DC waiting for my connecting flight directly to Johannesburg. It was an exciting way to start a journey. I did eventually make it to the conference with no more major issues. South Africa is a beautiful country, unbelievable scenery, warm welcoming people, and cool wildlife. A favorite afternoon activity was to go walk the trails around the campground where we were staying. We were walking along a trail and one of my friends asked, “Isn’t it hard to believe that we are on the opposite side of the world? I still can’t get over it.” I said, “You know, I hadn’t even thought about it. It kind of feels a bit like home to me.” I grew up in Southern Indiana. The Hoosier State and South Africa are nothing a like. “I just kind of feel like this is where I am supposed to be right now.”

A soon as I made that statement I stopped in the middle of the trail, “Do you think maybe it’s because of how we believe that we can feel so at home so far from home?”

C.S. Lewis once wrote, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” If I am made for another world then anywhere I set foot in this one can become my dwelling because I know it is only a temporary place. My truest home is in the midst of God. Where I find myself now is a gift that I get to enjoy. That means whether in one of three houses, in South Africa, on a mountain, or resting on a beach I can feel at rest because it’s all a weak reflection of the place my spirit longs for and for which it was made.

In 2012 I lost a job that I loved. At that point I had spent a third of my life working for the same organization and I believed I would spend my entire life there. After the end came I was broken and that led to me being broke. I substitute taught and donated plasma and scrapped around doing what I could to literally keep the lights on. Keeping the lights on also meant that I wasn’t making mortgage payments. I limped along for several months and had lots of phone calls with the bank that held the note at the time. Each time I missed a payment my personal embarrassment grew. I was trying to launch a not-for-profit ministry at the time and for the first six months we were definitely not-for-profit. We had been meeting with students for a few months but there wasn’t money to make payroll. Between visiting a school and preparing to meet with 50 students that night I stopped by my house on 17^th street to pick up a few things. There were some papers folded and taped to the front door. I pulled them off and opened them up… I held the foreclosure notice. I was going to lose my house. I didn’t have time to think about it at that moment. There was ministry that had to be done. I pulled myself together I stood in front of a bunch of teenagers that night and told them that God loved them and he saw them where they were and they mattered to Him. In the back of my mind I knew there was a legal document sitting in my car that said in essence, “come up with a bunch of money or get out.”

I walked through the side door of my little house, and sat down in my chair and starred at a painting I have hanging above the mantel. In the silence I realized how numb I was. I didn’t know what to feel so I didn’t feel anything. I looked at the image and said, “God I don’t want to lose my home. I don’t want to lose this place.” I probably repeated it a few times then I was still. In the silence a statement crossed my mind, “Nick, this is a house not your home. I will take care of you.” I had no real reason to believe those words, other than they came from the center of all I believed and still believe. Two days later I walked into a board meeting and told my board of directors my situation and I told them about the conversation I had had sitting in my chair. I told them I was at peace, I didn’t want to lose my house but I was okay no matter what would come. A few days later all the payroll issues were resolved and a couple of significant donations came in, and I was given several months back pay. When the dust settled I had enough money in hand to catch-up the mortgage and pay the legal fees to stop the foreclosure and I still live in my little dumpy house.

What makes a “house” a ”home”? I don’t really know, but I believe it has more to do with the people that live there than it does with a material dwelling. Home is the memories. Home is the people you share it with. Home can be anywhere you set your feet, because this is just a house. My heart still longs for something it can’t experience this side of Resurrection.

August 14, 2019

Forgive and Forget?

Is forgiveness forgetting? There isn’t an easy answer to this question. We have all heard the stories of the woman that offers a home to her son’s murderer. We have seen the addict and dealer that make peace with their past and work together to change a neighborhood. Most of the time these stories leave a lot of us in emotional chaos. On the outside we smile and clap (if we are in the audience). We utter things like, “That’s amazing” or “Grace is wonderful.” Inside our guilt wells up, “Why can’t I forgive and forget,” “Why do I feel like it’s such a struggle to move on from my pain?” I don’t know that forgiving is forgetting or that we understand the full story of these “ultra forgiveness” moments.

I have been fortunate to live a pretty charmed life, I have amazing parents, siblings I can put up with and generally like being around, and nieces and nephews that are the coolest kids around. I grew-up middle class on a family farm and there haven’t been many deep cuts in my life. There have been people that have attacked my character and people that have said mean things about me and I don’t understand why – I try to be a peaceable person. They have all been people that if I saw them in trouble I would offer help. There have been three times in my life (at this point) where I have been deeply hurt. Two of those I have since moved on. One though was so tangled, multi-faceted, and effected my life so deeply I still struggle with how to fully respond. I often have to remind myself that I forgive those involved. Yet, I don’t feel comfortable around the people or the organization at the center of the hurt. The relational damage was profound.

Let’s look back at the ultra forgiveness stories… Like most of us I love and struggle with these stories. I believe in the power of forgiveness, both for the forgiver and the forgiven. There are a couple of key factors in these forgiveness narratives that we miss because we don’t experience it in real time. We see the moment after the moment has happened. We join the tale after the hard work has been done.

The first factor – Time. I’m sure there are some true miracle moments out there, but in the stories I have heard and read, years have passed from offense committed to the “hug point.” We hear the story in a one hour special and lose track of the decades that pass between action and forgiveness. The old saying is that time heals all wounds. There is some truth to that but remember a healed wound still shows a scar.

Factor number two — the victim doesn’t do it alone. The mother has people around her helping her walk through the pain. The dealer and addict have recovery communities that walk with them as their lives change forever. Forgiveness at its best happens with a community.

Some honorable mentions that don’t always show up but are there a lot…

There is a sense of guilt and repentance from the one that committed the crime. The victim and offender both recognize the role they played. The victim and offender both realize that they are no longer the same people they were and they want to move on. Both parties have had an encounter with God (I think this one has the greatest impact but is in honorable mention because many would discount its importance).

Back to my struggle with forgive vs forget. At the time I had spent, almost, a third of my life as an employee of an organization. Since it was a student ministry I first became affiliated when I was in middle school, this meant that over half of my life had been spent connected to this Not-for-Profit. I was in my 7^th year of employment when the wheels started to come off. If you had asked me at year five I would have told you I would retire with them and continue to consult and teach for them until I went on to resurrection. Year seven though things began to change. No one likes change — a friend of mine once said, “People don’t like fun change let alone difficult change.” There was a lot more tension and I didn’t help matters because I didn’t fully understand myself. I was battling through depression and didn’t know – I just felt bad not realizing it had a name. At the same time I was discovering that I was an introvert by nature and I was surrounded by extroverts that couldn’t understand that and I wasn’t sure they cared. The message I was hearing (I don’t believe it was intended this way) was, “You don’t function or think the way we do and if you don’t shape up and start doing things our way there are going to be problems. There is obviously something wrong with you and you need to fix it.” I felt demeaned and disrespected as a person not as an employee. Over the course of the next three years a lot of battles ensued I had been worn down enough that I started standing my ground and wouldn’t back down and that exacerbated the problems. The final blow came when I resigned, it was genuinely one of the worst days of my life. These people I had spent a lifetime with suddenly seemed like enemies. They were confused when I said, “We aren’t having a staff party. If we’re done, we’re done.” Later that same day I emailed the national office, “I’ve lost my job, what am I supposed to do now.” The response I got was, “Be careful what you say to donors so you don’t hurt giving.” I had lost half my life and the response was don’t hurt everyone else’s income. A couple of weeks later I got a phone call from a former co-worker, he decided then was the time to let me know he would have fired me sooner. He didn’t know what had taken my bosses so long. My life and my value fell apart. Who was I? Did I even serve a purpose in this world? Was I really that difficult to work with? Had I really been that awful of a person?

There were a lot of well meaning people in my life early on that told me to forgive and forget, “Move on with your life, things will work out.” The problem was I couldn’t see that things were going to work out. I couldn’t move on because I didn’t know where to move on to. I had nothing except a faith I had to cling even tighter to. I wasn’t ready to move on because I was still shell-shocked by what had happened. Where had things gone so terribly wrong?

People were telling me that I should be praying blessings over them. I wanted to pray like King David, “God crush my enemies” “God vindicate me.” The wound was raw and deep.

For a long time my prayers were, “God this hurts,” “God help me,” “God help me find peace.” Forgiveness was something I was going to have to move to. I wasn’t against forgiving I just couldn’t get there. God knows I wanted to forgive. I knew forgiveness was the right thing to do. It required something I didn’t yet have — some healing. Eventually I would pray for forgiveness. I would pray that God would forgive me in the midst of my struggle and that I would be forgiving toward the people that hurt me and the organization. For a long time when I would drive through the town where the office was I would default into prayers of forgiveness. Over time I stopped feeling the tension I did in the beginning. I can cross the city limits and not think of those by gone days.

At the same time I can never fully forget the pain that entered my life. I’m still in recovery, years later. The relationships I had with people are shattered. I don’t expect they will be whole this side of resurrection, but I also don’t think that limits the forgiveness. I don’t believe that means I have been unforgiving towards them.

I think of it this way… If I had a recovering alcoholic come to my church, 5 years sober, it wouldn’t be a particularly loving act to put him on the ministry team that goes to bars to reach the lost. Yes, he offers a unique perspective, but the better place for him to serve is with the recovery group, where I’m not throwing him into a place he once struggled. He has been forgiven, but his mind and body haven’t forgotten.

I think this is the truth of the log and the sawdust. Am I humble enough to admit I’m still struggling and growing? If I can see the log in my own eye then I can work on removing it and maybe walk with you while you struggle with your sawdust.

I forgive them all the time, but I haven’t forgotten yet and I think that’s okay. Forgiveness is a healing process. I have moved past wanting to pray like David. In most cases unless something exterior brings it up I don’t think about any of it. I’m on a journey and I am learning. Mostly I am learning that forgiving is a process.